Anders’ Climbing Journal

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Key
Sandlot Sea
Sandlot Sea is the lowest point on earth. Sherpas shy away from such low altitudes, but yuppies love to vacation here and take a ride on the all-inclusive Tom Cruise Line, where the drinks are unlimited, chickens are spinning on roasters day and night, and the living is easy. At an altitude of -1,400 feet, only the breeziest of films could ever hope to reach this level of ease.

Seth Valley
While not as low as the Sandlot Sea, the Seth Valley still rests 282 feet below sea level, making it an easy slide into its depths. Comedians Seth Rogen and Seth Green welcome you with open arms and a barrage of jokes as the breeze from the rim of the bowl glide over your face, filling your nostrils with the scent of footlongs packed full of chicken patties, sleeves of Oreos, and warming liquors wafts through the air. Seth Valley's climates provide a perfect atmosphere for adult male sleepovers.

The Michael Bay
Welcome to the luxurious, tropical and warm Michael Bay. The water is warm, the drinks are cold, the people are beautiful, and the party never stops in Michael Bay. John Williams leads a proficient Callisto band day and night while Will Smith serves drinks in hollowed-out coconuts to all comers. The Michael Bay sits right at sea level, so it makes for the perfect vacation spot for all types of climbers.

Barrow-downs Hills
We're rising in elevation, but it's really just a brisk walk in the hills as you roll along the Barrow-downs Hills. At a maximum altitude of 390 feet, this becomes the point where you might have to look around for a walking stick and consider your footing, but you're never in any real danger. Barrow-downs Hills are great for inexperienced climbers who want to see the world from new heights, and should be sure to stop by Peter Jackson's ramshackle hut in the final valley by the lake.

Shyamalanian Mountains
You might want to strap on a backpack and come equipped with some trail mix and some iodine capsules in case you get lost up in the woods of the Shyamalanian Mountains. At an average altitude of 6,683 feet, this is the highest many climbers are ever willing to go, and it can often be a breathtaking experience for those who typically dwell in the depths of the Sandlot Sea or Seth Valley. Though some legends say one can hear the whispers of Tom Hanks in the trees, scientists have often refuted that it's simply the wind playing the ideal topography like a flute. Be wary of traveling any higher, however, as the trumpets of hell might blow.

Base Camp
If you ever find yourself at Base Camp, do not panic. You might look around and note that no one speaks your language, the world is suddenly devoid of any color, and simple concepts on which you thought you had a firm grasp become hazy and symbolic of something bigger. Simply find the nearest oxygen tank and breathe slowly and evenly. Paul Thomas Anderson has famously set up a coffee stand in the center of the tent village, so grab a cup of Joe and really consider your choices. Should you decide to stay, look for the nearest Sherpa to guide you through these uneven terrains that rest at a dizzying 16,900 feet.

Death Zone
Now things are starting to get serious. The Death Zone is notable for creating sensations of being completely lost in time, almost as if you're experiencing eras bygone for decades, forced to face everyday situations that seem to run counter to such a dangerous place, and feelings of the complete loss of empowerment. Only the most experienced of climbers should even attempt these climes, and only then with a professional Sherpa by their side. Sherpas not only know the terrain, but they're familiar with the mind games that these altitudes can play, like the oft-reported voices of Jean-Luc Goddard and François Truffaut reciting passages from back issues of Cahiers du Cinéma that are associated with the Death Zone, so they can talk you down from any ledge on which you might find yourself. As you climb, you'll find the corpses of so many who came before you, and it's customary to leave a rose at their frozen feet. Death Camp sits at 26,247 feet, and legends have it that there is at least a soul per foot left on these peaks.

Mt. King's Speech
Climbers reaching this point only live in legend. At Base Camp you'll often hear wide-eyed climbers talk about reaching the tip of Mt. King's Speech, but they can never know the true danger that lies in such a climb. The name Sherpa Jeff is oft-whispered in these conversations, the ghost of a man who supposedly reached the summit and either never returned or came back a shell of who he once was, unable to enjoy any climb that isn't death-defying. Other legends report Daniel Day Lewis resides in a cave at the top and claims any weary climber that stumbles to its mouth. The highest point on earth at 29,029 feet, Mt. King's Speech pierces the sky with menace, an invitation to those brave (or dumb) enough to climb, but if you look closely you might note a smile etched across its face. A smile of knowing any foot that touches its peak is one that will never touch another surface again.

Journal
Tuesday, September 20, 2016: Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.